The Explanation:
Several months ago an opportunity presented itself to JC and myself that I really felt (and still do) was a real, tangible game changer for us. Without going into too many details (#1: because it's boring #2: it still may happen at a later date #3: I don't want to drag other parties involved through my pondering), the gist of the scenario was that JC and I (and possibly Beck depending on length of stay) would be traveling back to ET to teach local Ethiopians how to take Xrays, talk with doctors, teach a little CT and discuss certain aspects of clinical situations.
The timing felt perfect! I had just started cross training in CT, I wasn't in school, tickets and housing were going to be a non issue, we both had time banked at work and we had a 30 day leave policy. It was going to be an adventure! Everything seemed poised and ready.
And then God shut the door.
I mean, slammed it, hard.
Hard like a 14 year old girl screaming I hate you, hard.
Have you ever walked face first into a screen or glass door damaging your nasal cavity while leaving a gigandous lump right smack in the middle of your forehead?
Yup...that's what I got. And that's what it felt like.
BUT...instead of falling backward, and being poutty and all upset, I felt thankful. I even said it out loud to myself:
Me: "It's ok. I'm ok with it."
That's what I needed to stop wavering so much between the "I shoulds and I shouldn'ts". It's final and I actually feel relieved. I was happy that I let myself explore the option without discounting it right away.
And I thought that was it~
However, I've discovered that these last few weeks of going through this process brought a few other things to light.
The truth of the matter was, I thought JC would jump right on board with me. When that wasn't the case, I was completely shocked! Instead of listening, I pressed on figuring ok, it's just me then. I chose to ignore the nagging feeling that something wasn't sitting right with me about us not agreeing on this. It was hard for him to support me going, and it was hard for me to understand why he couldn't just go. It was becoming increasingly difficult to come to a compromise. Frankly, it was downright miserable...until the decision was made for me, then WAH-LAA! Relief.
The Moral of the Story:
I've realized in the days following the "infamous door slamming" that I was so intent on looking through the open door that I was totally neglecting the messy room around me. It wasn't just neglect, it was NEGLECT.
You know when kids don't clean their room and then things start to kinda smell, perhaps a half drank glass of milk is starting to curdle, or maybe you happen upon a trail of ants leading to something unknown under the bed, or maybe it looks like a tidal wave of clothes happened.
Ya, it's that kind of neglect.
It's so easy for me to put myself first sometimes...
My mission trips,
My school,
My wants,
My feelings,
My time,
that I get consumed by achieving MY GOALS. And those stupid blinkers are right back on again.
I'm seriously convinced that this opportunity was NOT for us to go teach~ but to ignite the pressure cooker, stir up a hornets nest, and get my nerves up about serious issues that I've been neglecting, that I swore up and down I would take care of.
How easily we fade back into the wisp we were before we felt like we changed for the better!
This has caused us to reconsider, step back, search with clarity, breathe and reevaluate the direction of our family. It's caused openness and honesty that wasn't there before. And as much as it kinda stings (ya, like yellow jackets), it's humbled me~ AGAIN ~ and it's made me realize that my priorities still may be slightly askew.
But, I'm up for the challenge, it will get fixed. And most importantly, I have to remember that this is just "life". We're all doing it, just maybe at different tempos with different ideas, but we're doing it.
