"Dude, do you really think you'll be able to go?"
"Ya. I think I need to go."
This was how the conversation was going. I was on the phone with my older sister Melanie who heads up Begin With One after I had posted:
I'm there
to her almost jokingly question of
"Who wants to come to Africa with me?"
I'm not sure why I even said "yes"~ and in all actuality I never really said the words:
YES, I'll GO
I felt like in some weird way that if I did utter those three words there was still a smidgen of possibility that I could somehow weasel my way out of it if I chickened out. By saying "I'm there," I was already putting my feet on the ground. I knew under NO circumstances would I NOT be there~
This was (if I remember the timeline correctly) the third time Mel had asked me "You wanna come?" over the course of one and a half maybe two years. And I always said:
~NO~
The timing was always off, Beckett was to little, school was on full tilt, Jon would have to figure out everything by himself, I didn't have the time off work, the money wasn't there...
But this time, something was different. When I read her post something clenched up in my stomach. I needed this. I was at a point that I needed to do something different. I was feeling stuck on this hamster wheel of life. I was struggling and I knew it. I was a crabby, frustrated, impatient person that felt like I'd reached the end of my rope LOTS of rope's ago.
It's not that my life was or is so stressful. It's busy and perhaps over scheduled- but doable. Well, I was sick of the "doable". I wasn't stressed out.....I was BURNT out.
So what happened? I'm not sure. It started with waking up, not feeling satisfied, always looking for the next thing to fill that perpetual space of "Is this it?". I was fatigued, short with Jon and even shorter with Beckett. And work was another story~ my patients were bugging me, BIGTIME, to say the least. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was desperately searching for answers. I prayed and prayed that God would just show up and tell me what I was supposed to be doing....
and to tell you the truth, I was at a point where
I really felt like God was giving me the:
SILENT TREATMENT
I was angry at Him for my circumstances, bitter that my life hadn't turned out
differently.
Have you ever experienced a 3 year old, in mid-fit, screaming at you in your face?
Ya~that was me~at GOD
What I needed was an
ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
(dunh dunh dunh)
So here's the cool part that started my journey to Ethiopia:
I didn't feel like this the other times I was asked to go. I had been in a pretty good spot, just cruising through life. And now I realize had I not been that crazed, frustrated, impatient, slightly off my rocker person desperately screaming out at God, He would not have been able to use me like He did. He would not have been able to answer and confirm several things I had been begging and crying out for HIM to answer.
Don't get me wrong~ He can use you where ever you are, whenever He wants...but just in my personal circumstances
I had to be Broken
so I could be Open,
to really hear Him and really accept the things
He was screaming back at me!
There not easy "things" to hear~
But there's lots of time for all that...
~~~
What's funny about someone who likes to write, that would be me :) is that I could easily sit here and write the whole story out NOW. It's hard to hold myself back! It feels like a story that's not edited, or that's just staring at me waiting for me to finish~ but alas, that's not how a blog works.
And....how does that really make a difference? For you, for me? That's not really the journey, right? I just wrap it up nicely, slap on a happy ending, an "oh, she found herself...YAY!" moment...warm fuzzies and ice cream for all~
But I can't...first happy endings aren't my style (sorry, I do hope for one though, hee hee) and I've discovered that I have to process this turn around one aspect at a time.
So until next time~Happy Reading
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